Wiener Wedding
Congressman Anthony Wiener and Huma Abedin were wed this weekend and former President Bill Clinton performed the ceremony... because if there's anyone who represents true and pure love, even in the midst of political life, it's Bill Clinton.


Wiener is Jewish and Abedin is Muslim... which is why 16 cars exploded in the parking lot during the reception.



Uganda World Cup Bombings
Two bombings in Uganda Sunday killed 64 people watching the World Cup final match... compared to the people who watched the whole match, they were the lucky ones.



Armstrong Out
Lance Armstrong has dropped out of the Tour de France... expect a major selloff in all Big Pharma stocks throughout the week.



Car Prices Rise
The average price of a car in America is now $29,217. That's $9,000 for the car and $20,217 for the all the retired UAW workers' Viagra.



Jackson's Blast
Jesse Jackson says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is treating LeBron James like a "runaway slave" for going to Miami. Wait a minute, didn't the Underground Railroad run north, not south?


Jesse Jackson says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is treating LeBron James like a "runaway slave" for going to Miami. Of course, Lebron's agent is named Harriet Tubman.




July 12th

1543: King Henry VIII of England marries his sixth and last wife, Catherine Parr. How they got to the wedding chapel in Vegas from Medieval England we'll never know.


1812: The United States invades Canada and finally learns what true boredom really is.


1962: The Rolling Stones perform their first ever concert, at the Marquee Club in London. Mick Jagger has not eaten since.