Boy Scout Snub
President Obama has turned down an invitation to speak at the Boy Scouts' 100th anniversary Jamboree so he can be a guest on "The View"... and earn his merit badge for animal grooming.



Good News in the Gulf
The BP oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is dissolving faster than anyone expected. But the toxic waste is growing in the Atlantic because of the premiere of season two of "Jersey Shore."



Cigarette Sales Down
Sales tax revenues from cigarettes have plummeted in California... mostly because everyone in California has switched to pot.



Twin Fundraisers Tonight
President Obama is heading to Manhattan today to attend two Democratic fundraisers. One is for Democratic Congressional candidates, and the other is to help the Clintons pay for Chelsea's wedding.



Tax Hike
A new report shows that married couples with children will be forced to pay thousands more dollars in taxes next year. In light of this news, Mel Gibson is claiming he compassionately beat up his girlfriend to save her money.






July 28th


1973: 600,000 people attend a rock festival at the Watkins Glen International Raceway… most of whom are there to beat up hippies.


1996: Kennewick Man, the remains of a prehistoric man, is discovered near Kennewick, Washington. His body is only in slightly worse condition than most living men in Kennewick.


2005: The Provisional Irish Republican Army calls an end to its thirty year long armed campaign in Northern Ireland and redirects its efforts towards the much more important cause of getting Bono to shut the Hell up.