Hayward Out
BP CEO Tony Hayward is expected to be ousted later today. But he will get $18 million in severance, pension payments, and haircare products.



Clinton Wedding Preps
The Secret Service is imposing heavy security for Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend in upstate New York. But most of the security is needed to keep Bill Clinton away from the bridesmaids.



Walmart Tracking System
Walmart is now putting electronic tracking tags on men's jeans. Experts consider this a waste, since we know most of the men buying those jeans are headed straight to Arby's anyway.



New Pens
Paper Mate is now selling biodegradable pens for kids. This is the best news for elementary school students since Elmer's began making chocolate-flavored paste.



Biblically Frugal
A new study shows that Americans who spend several hours a week studying the Bible are less likely to be in debt... mostly because they're so busy trying to figure out what a tithe is, they have no time to spend any money.





July 26th


811: Byzantine Emperor Nicephorus I is slain, his heir Stauracius is seriously wounded, and his chariot is towed for being double-parked.


1891: France annexes Tahiti… mostly as an excuse to look at topless chicks.


1914: Serbia and Bulgaria interrupt their diplomatic relationship and just get right down to heavy making out.