New BP Chief
Bob Dudley will replace Tony Hayward as CEO of BP. The BP board chose Dudley mostly because he's very good at bending over.



Clinton Wedding Primetime
Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend will cost an estimated $3 million. That's $2 million for all the food and decorations, and $1 million to dry clean Bill's pants 10-15 times during the afternoon.



Apple Jailbreakers
Apple now says it won't sue iPhone users who get service from companies other than AT&T... which would be a big story if any iPhone users were actually getting any service from AT&T.



Spanish Tea Parties
Hundreds of Spanish-speaking residents of Bell, California are loudly protesting the outrageous salaries for their city officials. The Democratic Party and the NAACP are now in emergency sessions to figure out why non-white people don't like getting ripped off either.



Online Gambling Rules
Congress is close to legalizing online gambling. The Senators are hoping to keep teenage boys indoors 24 hours a day so they can date all the high school girls themselves.





July 27th

1549: Jesuit priest Francis Xavier's ship reaches Japan. Where he immediately works to set up an urban university with a decent football team.


1663: The English Parliament passes the second Navigation Act requiring that all goods bound for the American colonies have to be sent in English ships from English ports… guaranteeing that no one in America gets edible food for decades.


1974: The House Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the impeachment of President Richard Nixon… and 29-9 to have all interns wear miniskirts for the rest of the summer.