ATM Creator Dead
John Sheppard-Barron, the man who invented the ATM, has died at age 84. His family is desperately trying to fit him into a coffin that will slip through the deposit slot.



Scientific Warning
A leading group of scientists says the U.S. government needs to impose big new taxes on oil and coal right now or it will be too late to save the planet. But the same scientists say they would probably tone down their doomsday scenario if they ever actually get a date.



Wright Comes Out
Country singer Chely Wright is facing a backlash from some fans now that she has come out as a lesbian. On the bright side, the news has helped her get the contract to endorse Taco Bell.



Economy Worsens
Weekly jobless claims have hit a new three-month high. Census takers are now just counting everyone on the unemployment line and calling it a day.



B.P. Recovery
B.P. now says it is capturing 5,000 barrels of oil per day from its Gulf of Mexico leak. That should be just enough oil to set fire to all the records that would be used as evidence against B.P.





May 20th


325: The first ecumenical council of the Christian Church is held... the second one had to be cancelled after everyone who attended ended up killing each other.


1498: Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama arrives in India, where he immediately hires a cheap tech support for his clipper ships.


1873: Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for blue jeans, making American women nervous about the size of their asses for the last 137 years.