No Booze Decision
The Jets decision to ban alcoholic beverages at last night's win over Cincinnati really paid off. There were fewer fights in the stands, fewer drunk driving arrests, and fewer embarrassing incidents where fans misspelled the "J-E-T-S" cheer.



Novartis Deal
Drug giant Novartis has paid $28.1 billion for control of the eye care company, Alcon. Novartis hopes to destroy all of Alcon's products so fewer people will see just how much it's jacking up the prices on prescription drugs.



Yemen Embassy Closed
The U.S. has closed its embassy in Yemen. It's not clear if this is because of terrorism or because the embassy has the only working bathroom in the entire country.



Man U I.O.U
British soccer giant Manchester United is about a billion dollars in debt. The team is making plenty of money in ticket sales and marketing, but policing the drunks at its matches costs $75 million per hour.



TSA New Rules
The Transportation Safety Administration is imposing some new directives. They include extra screenings on passengers coming from Nigeria and Yemen, fewer bags allowed on flights, and the hiring of TSA workers who aren't drunk and stupid.




January 4th


1885: The first successful appendectomy is performed by William W. Grant on Mary Gartside. Grant actually was trying to do the first boob job... but whatever.


1962: T save money, New York City introduces a subway train that operates without a crew on-board... followed shortly by a subway train where all the passengers mug themselves as well.


1999: Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn in as governor of Minnesota. But Ventura's term abrubtly ends two days later when he fails to tag his lt. governor before getting pinned by the legislature.