Cookie Dough Scare
There are now shortages of Nestle's frozen cookie dough because of safety and health concerns. Apparently, the people who eat the cookie dough are having a hard time getting their fat asses through the hospital doors.




Rescue Mission
Relief agencies are rushing to the disaster area along with soldiers from the U.S. military... and as soon as they're finished with Tiger Woods' bedroom, they'll head to Haiti.


Massachusetts Race
A new poll shows Republican Scott Brown actually has the lead in the Massachusetts senate race. Democrat Martha Coakley is getting so desperate she's now promising every voter a free supply of Nestle's cookie dough



NASA Cocaine
Workers at NASA have just found cocaine in one of the space shuttle hangars at Cape Kennedy. So THAT'S how they get those astronauts to take those missions!



Bank Pay Soars
It turns out big bank and brokerage workers made record high salaries in 2009. A few more millions and they might be able to afford the kind of benefits and pensions they get at the UAW!





January 15th


588 BC: Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon lays siege to Jerusalem... the United States urges Jewish leaders to make more concessions.


69: Otho seizes power in Rome, proclaiming himself Emperor of Rome, but rules for only three months before committing suicide. Luckily, his family still collected his full government pension.


1844: University of Notre Dame receives its charter from the state of Indiana. Construction of the football stadium begins immediately.


1865: Fort Fisher North Carolina falls to the Union, thus cutting off the last major seaport of the Confederacy... with the exception of the viewers of Hee Haw.


1892: James Naismith publishes the rules of basketball. It is later ammended to include a guide to avoiding paternity suits.


1949: The Chinese Communist Party takes over the government, thus forwarding the party's great dream of making poisonous toys for children.


1976: Gerald Ford's would-be assassin, Sara Jane Moore, is sentenced to life in prison and advised to find more interesting targets.