Mahmoud Lives!
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has survived an assassination attempt. Who knew Members Only made a bullet-proof jacket?



Palin Break Up
After a brief reunion, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to Levi Johnston. Levi was reportedly into getting married until he found out some other girl down the block had a PlayStation 3.



BP Leak Capped!
The government will announce today that 75% of the oil from the BP leak has already evaporated... the other 25% is somewhere in Jerry Lewis' hair.



Hefner Panel
The board of Playboy has formed a panel to to consider founder Hugh Hefner's proposal to buy out the rest of the company. Each member of the panel will analyze the offer and state their "likes," "dislikes," "turn ons" and "turn offs."



Self-Boarding
Continental Airlines is testing passenger self-boarding in Houston. Travellers are especially enjoying the part where they get to lose their own luggage.





August 4th

1789: In France, members of the National Constituent Assembly take an oath to end feudalism… and the use of most deodorant.

1914: Germany invades Belgium, Britain declares war on Germany, New Jersey declares war on Staten Island.

1977: President Jimmy Carter signs legislation creating the Department of Energy. From that day forth, the department has ended all of our potential energy problems ever since.