Drinking Study
A new study shows that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers... especially the non-drinkers who get killed by drunk drivers.



Bad Back to School
Retailers are not having a good back to school season as receipts are weak. This is actually a stimulus for Millions of middle school bullies who can now continue to make fun of the nerdy kids' hand-me-down clothes.



Bag Ban Bagged
The California's legislature was unable to pass a state-wide ban on plastic bags. The bill was killed when some lawmakers realized a bag ban could stop concerned citizens from putting one over Ariana Huffington's head.



Kerry is the Richest
Senator John Kerry remains the richest member of Congress, with his wealth increasing by another $20 million in 2009. So instead of fighting the taxes to dock his yacht in Massachusetts, Kerry is just going to buy Massachusetts.



New Ford Cop Car
Ford is now making a new version of the Explorer to be used as a police cruiser. Cops are expected to mostly use the SUV to aid stranded motorists in broken down cars made by GM.





September 1st


1836: Narcissa Whitman, one of the first English-speaking white women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains arrives at Walla Walla, Washington and immediately sets up a mayonnaise plantation.


1864: Confederate General John Bell Hood evacuates Atlanta, Georgia after enduring a four-month siege by General Sherman and three weeks of Atlanta Braves broadcasts.


1897: The Boston subway opens, becoming the first underground rapid transit system to exclusively transport drunk people.