Gay Marriage Ruling
A federal judge has struck down California's gay marriage ban. The ruling is seen as only symbolic since of course no gay people live in California.



Cablevision Disappoints
Cablevision only made 20 cents per share last quarter, falling far short of analysts' expectations of 40 cents per share. But Cablevision does say it will deliver those additional 20 cents per share between 12-4pm tomorrow.



Shaq to Boston
The Boston Celtics have signed Shaquille O’Neal to a two-year deal. Shaq will fill two needs for the Celtics; finding a big physical center and getting someone to eat all the leftover nachos after each home game.



Campbell Testifies
Model Naomi Campbell has admitted receiving "blood diamonds" from an accused war criminal. They're called "blood diamonds" because Campbell used them to beat most of her staff.



Ticket Hikes at Disney
Disney is raising ticket prices at all its theme parks. The company is trying to regain some of the losses it took when it named Goofy as CFO.



Michelle Obama Trip
First Lady Michelle Obama is spending this week in a five-star hotel in Spain with 40 of her "closest friends." She would have brought 50 friends, but the White House can't afford it until the new tax hikes on those evil rich people kick in.






August 5th


1772: The First Partition of Poland begins… but the effort is abandoned when they run out of duct tape.

1861: The United States Army abolishes flogging, disappointing fetishists everywhere.

1974: Vietnam War: The U.S. Congress places a $1 billion dollar limit on military aid to South Vietnam, forcing the Pentagon to start buying all its bullets at Kmart.