Good Friday
Today is Good Friday, where we mark the miracle of the last time a government of any kind was able to carry out an execution without 10 years of appeals from the ACLU.



Jobs Report
The government says 162,000 jobs were created in March. I should know, I'm working three of them.



New Rules
All passengers on flights entering the United States will be subjected to a new level of security screening... so if you think you're going to be able to sneak that Cinnabon onboard, think again.



Obama Speech
President Obama says that now that the health bill has been passed, "no one pulled the plug on granny". That's true, they just pulled the plug on granny's doctor.



Copenhagen Success!
Deutsche Bank and other financial firms now say the Copenhagen Climate Summit wasn't a failure after all. It turns out that with all the politicians at the summit, all the bankers' favorite Wall Street hookers were more available.





April 2nd

1513: Juan Ponce de Leon sets foot on Florida, becoming the first European known to do so and the last person under 80 to do so willingly.


1900: Congress passes the Foraker Act, renouncing U.S. control over Puerto Rico and fully handing it over to Menudo.


1917: Jeanette Rankin of Montana becomes the first woman elected to the U.S. Congress... an amazing feat since Ranking was also the only woman in Montana at the time.


1972: Actor Charlie Chaplin returns to the United States for the first time since being labeled a communist during the Red Scare in the early 1950s. He is welcomed with open arms in Hollywood since he is now only considered a pedophile.