Canada wins Gold
Canada defeated the U.S. in overtime to win the gold medal in Olympic hockey, sending both countries into a celebration as the Canadians get the championship and Americans get to stop pretending they care about hockey.



Cooper to CBS?
CBS is reportedly in talks to hire CNN's Anderson Cooper. Executives believe Cooper will be the perfect hire to help all of CBS's elderly viewers fall asleep without medication.



Obama Medical Advice
President Obama's doctor has told him to cut his cholesterol levels. Obama responded by threatening to cut his Medicare reimbursements and blaming him for killing his mother.



Florida Threat
Florida is the deadliest state in the U.S. for pedestrians and bicyclists... most of them get mowed down daily by 95-year-olds speeding to get to the early bird special.



California Animal Abuse
California is considering making animal abusers publicly register their names like sex offenders... confusing most of the people in Bakersfield who only sexually abuse animals.






March 1st

1565: The city of Rio de Janeiro is founded. Thong underwear is invented minutes later.


1845: President John Tyler signs a bill annexing the Republic of Texas... mostly so the U.S. national football team could get some decent linemen.


2000: The Constitution of Finland is rewritten... this time using vowels.



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