BlackBerry Outage
BlackBerry users lost service for more than eight hours after an outage that lasted until early today. The holidays are the worst time for this to happen, as millions of Americans are now forced to actually talk to the family members they're visiting.



Jacko Files
A new report shows that the FBI kept files on Michael Jackson for years. But it's not clear if this was part of the crime-fighting division or the FBI's ongoing investigation of extra-terrestials.




Home Sales Spike
New data shows that home sales are on the rise. But now when you buy a house, you're still responsible for the family of squatters still living inside.



Census Plan
A nationwide drive urging Latinos to participate in the census is focusing on evangelical churches. Meanwhile, the nationwide drive urging more unmarried skanks to participate in the census is focusing on Tiger Woods' cellphone.



Lawfirm Suit
A lesbian lawyer in New York has sued her former firm for $50 million, saying she suffered "repulsive harassment and discrimination" because she wore men's shirts and "does not fit into typical feminine stereotypes." This is mostly because the firm's partners do not fit into typical human stereotypes.





December 23rd



1783: George Washington resigns as commander-in-chief of the Continental Army at the Maryland State House in Annapolis, Maryland. Contrary to the popular belief among current high school students, this was not because he was caught dating a slave by the local tabloid newspaper.


1972: The 16 survivors of the Andes flight disaster are rescued after 73 days, having survived by cannibalism... because there really is nothing worse than airline food.


1990: In a referendum, 88% of Slovenia's population vote for independence from Yugoslavia. The other 12% vote for toilet paper.